I know that I haven’t been around here much lately.  I’m working on being honest about the reasons why.  I’ve drafted and redrafted posts in my head.  I’ve debated about how much to share.  I’ve avoided the computer all together.  I’m virtually non-existent, in the virtual sense.

My inner monologue goes something like this:

I should really blog about that.  I don’t care.  I should return some email.  I don’t care.  I should do the dishes.  I don’t care.  This is supposed to be such an exciting time in our lives.  I am so tired.  I need to be reaching out to the people who need it more than me.  I have nothing left to give.  I will do better tomorrow.  I will be present tomorrow.  I will suck it up, tomorrow.

And then I think about telling you that.  About blogging honestly.  And I am so ashamed that I have nothing left inside, when so many of my sweet brave friends are facing challenges that are far worse than this.  What our family is going through is nothing compared to the battles and the losses and the struggles that all of you handle with such grace and courage.

So I kick the laptop under the bed.  Another day goes by.  6 days turns into 16 days.

I don’t want to resent this space.  I don’t want to feel obligated to write shiny happy glowy pregnancy postsI have them.  They’re in draft mode.  I am not going to do those obnoxious questionairres that pregnant bloggers do every week.  “What are you craving?  Maternity clothes yet?”  I just want to yell SHUT UP when I read those.  But I do want to share here.  The good, the bad, the kinda funny.  My friend Kerry commented a while ago that she missed the kind of posts that I wrote when I was pregnant with Max.  It made me realize that I do too.  So maybe I’ll start there.  Some honest accounts of how fucking hilarious and fucked up pregnancy is.  I’ll do it soon.  I will.  This little baby is pretty awesome, and with every day that goes by, I realize more and more how blessed our family is to have this new beginning.

In the meantime…..I have a son with a badly sprained ankle and a husband with a fractured wrist.  We are hobbling along.  Well, Max is crawling and jumping off of furniture with his knees.  We are tired and a little broken.  Yelling at each other and mad at the world.  Not sure when we’ll move out of our tiny town.  Not sure where the best place for us is, and feeling an impending deadline crushing down on us.  Kinda like when we were pregnant with Max.  So that’s a little traumatizing.

I’m working on telling the truth about life.  I need to be able to answer “Are you guys ok?” with “No.”  No, we’re not fine.  It doesn’t feel fine.  It feels scary and unsteady and exhausting and frustrating and lonely.  We are hobbling along.  Literally.  So that’s fun.

I’m trying to say yes.  I’ve learned that it’s not fair to say “we’re not fine”, and then shut everyone out.  An impromptu “Cookie and Hot Chocolate” invitation yesterday was exactly what Max and I needed, and I’m so glad I said yes.  A conversation with my roomie,  a surprise bouquet of tulips, a quiet moment alone when Uncle Scottie came to play with Max.  I’m welcoming it all right now.

We are not perfect.  Life is never perfect.  I won’t lie to you here.  Aren’t you tired of reading bullshit fake blogs anyway?  This is real life.  Real life means that sometimes you go down the bouncy slide and your ankle gets twisted, no matter how cautious your mom is about everything.

But even though we’re not always fine, we will BE fine.  We will be.  We are, actually.  We have each other, we have you, and we have so many promises of better days to come.

And I started drinking coffee again today.  So there’s that.


6 Replies to “Disclaimer”

  1. Whether you are broken, un-fine or pregnant and not (yet) glowing – you are fantastic and I Love your blog honest or fluffy! However you want to dish it out, we will eat it up because its that good! Honesty is always my favorite kind of read, especially from other Mom’s who are deep in the trenches like me 🙂 I’ve gone through my fair share if not wanting to blog once little baby started growing so I think it’s natural. Give yourself a break and blog when it feels right- because if you blog too soon it won’t be authentic and you won’t be happy with it 🙂 Love you!

  2. HOW? Kim, how in the hell did I miss the announcement video? I remember it being in my reader when you posted but I was at work and can’t watch video. I must have never gone back to it until today but OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU! Max’ll be a big brother. I am so excited!

    As for this post, you work on you, on doing what you need to make it through each day. Shit will fall into place so don’t beat yourself up about it. We’ll be here when you’re ready to write about whatever you decide to write about. And know that we’re just a click away from giving you what you need be it an ear, a virtual hug, or a real one for those near enough to do so. We are here.

  3. Hey, kid, no worries. You have a lot on you plate right now, and you have your priorities straight. And yes, it’s hard…parenting, pregnancy, marriage, life…all of it. You are an amazing woman…remember that. Wish I was there to give you a hug and tell you it all will fall into place. Just remember, I am only a phone call away!

  4. Lots on your plate, and so you must put your and your family in front of the line, and things will fall into place eventually. I think we all have periods in our life where we feel the way you are right now. Just keep doing what you are doing and you will get through it. I am looking forward to sharing your joy when you welcome your new family addition as well. Take care of you…

  5. Firstly, congrats!! Babies mean a lot of different things, but mostly they mean warm, cuddly, little creatures who smell like baby lotion. And THAT’S never a bad thing! And Kim honestly, with so much going on in your life, it’s okay to shut the world out, and figure things out for yourself. You don’t have to put on a show for anyone, and you’re not obligated to be happy and chipper if you’re not feeling it. Hang in there!

  6. Wahoooooo, COFFEE!!!!!!! You’re life is already better if you’re adding that back in! 🙂 I remember I gave it up for my first trimester and then I remember becoming human again when I added in my one glorious cup a day for the 2nd and 3rd. Virtual hugs coming to you from here Kim. (And a big, piping hot, glorious cup of virtual java too.)

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