For our family, the decision to try for a second child has not been easy. Long talks, tears, arguments, anxiety, fear. In our house, the unknown journey has been almost paralyzing. So much so that I hesitated to even link up with Kelly’s Blog today. I mean, what do I want to SHARE about why we only have one child. Who, by the way is AMAZING. And blesses us with a ridiculous amount of joy every day. Sharing would mean admitting to things that I’m not proud of. Like jealousy. Why is it so easy for other families to adapt to their new normal? How come other people just go off and get pregnant without over-analyzing it to death? Why do other families have the support that they need? How do other moms cope when sometimes I can’t? How come most kids sleep 12 hours at night and take regular naps?
Things like fear. Worrying that another child will have the same health issues that Max does. Worried that I won’t be able to breastfeed again. Worried that something will go wrong. Worried that the stress of experiencing that first year again will cause irrepairable damage to my marriage. Worried that Max will be sad that some of my attention would be going to a new baby, when it’s just been he and I against the world, for 2 and a half years.
In my mind, no one understands this but me. No one gets what it’s like to love a child so fiercely, and yet sometimes feel drained so completely. I want Max to have a sibling. He is so sweet and loving to every baby we know. I want him to have a partner in life, someone to walk next to on the first day of school. Someone to watch cartoons with on a Saturday morning. Someone to build legos with and splash next to in the pool. I want there to be another teenager to drive to the high school dance with. I want another adult to sit by his side when Sean and I are old and sick.
I want to give him a best friend.
And of course, I want to love another little human being in all of the ways that I love Max. I want to be pregnant, and dream, and hope, and wonder. I want to mother, and love, and teach. Max is so dynamic and sweet and spirited. I want him to experience loving another child too. Even with all of the twists and turn our journey has taken, I want to experience it again.
But for now? Not quite yet. We haven’t reached a consensus yet.
Max is my one and only. And he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. To our family.