After the childbirth class yesterday, I have to say that I do feel a certain sense of relief. Knowledge is power, and for the first time I feel like I am armed with enough information to be confident about the birthing process.
Of course I’m still scared. But in a very different way. I’m scared of the unknown, of course. Who knows how my body will respond. How Max will be destined to enter this world. What support staff I’ll be matched up with in the hospital. What if….what if…..what if?
But here’s what I do know:
1. I can totally count on my husband 100%. “Practicing” everything in class just reaffirmed what I already knew. Sean is my best friend, and can pretty much read my mind most of the time. (Like Saturday, when I was thinking I wanted pizza for dinner and then I fell asleep. I woke up and he had ordered pizza for us.) Of course it’s all the important things too. How we can have a conversation with our eyes. How he can distract me when I am afraid or in pain or frustrated. How he takes care of me and checks in on me, and can read my body language. And when he can’t, I can communicate an answer to him pretty quickly. In class yesterday I was completely comfortable using him for support, and he knew exactly how to respond to me and listen to what I was feeling. I love how easy it is to share things with him, and it’s pretty amazing to know on a regular basis how RIGHT my choice was to spend the rest of my life as his partner.
2. It is slowly sinking in that there will be a BABY at the end of all of this. I’ve been so scared, so busy, so anxious throughout my pregnancy, that it seems surreal that little Max will be here as a fully functioning tiny baby in about a month. As a spiritual being with a personality all his own. I am finally feeling READY for him to be here. Ready to meet him. Ready to nurse him. Ready to experience what it is like to be a mom, and to watch Sean be his dad. It helped that there was a tiny tiny newborn baby at the Center yesterday. It helps that I am now 35 weeks along. It helps that pregnant people that I know are starting to have their babies. It helps to make things real….to see the end game of this pregnancy business.
3. I am feeling more in control about what will be happening to my body. My goal is to feel like I can make choices for myself when I go into labor. It definitely helps that I recieved some great feedback in the last few days. When Sean and I started talking about trying to at least begin my labor and delivery without medication, it was pretty amazing to hear him say that he thought I had the strength to do it. He said that I am so completely in touch with my body, have a high pain tolerance, and the flexibility and physical strength to carry me through. Then the Childbirth Prep instructor commented on my flexibility when I was practicing the labor positions (I can sit in “butterfly” position and have my knees touch the ground pretty easily….though being pregnant I can’t get UP as easily, but whatever). It might sound silly, but a little encouragement goes a long way. So maybe I am not a prenatal yoga/marathon running pregnant mama goddess…..but that doesn’t mean that my body can’t carry me through this.