Disclaimer: This blog is about pee. Do not read if you are not interested in random musings about urine samples. This is my blog people. I will write about cute nursery furniture and tiny onesies and adorable receiving blankets. But I will also write about pee.
When you are in the doctor’s office every month, then every two weeks, then ultimately every week….for NINE PLUS MONTHS….you have certain things that you do to amuse yourself. For instance, Sean likes to help himself to the suckers on the receptionist’s desk whenever we leave. Me however, I am HIGHLY amused by the process of leaving a urine sample.
First off, when you’re pregnant, you get to go through the office door and into the bathroom when you first get there. No waiting in the waiting room with ladies getting their annual exams. No reading Good Housekeeping or Parents or staring at the wall.
For some reason, my doctor’s office does not have the whole “clean catch” system set up in the bathroom. Perhaps the “cool handi-wipe” bin is hidden somewhere I haven’t found? Perhaps this is no longer done and I just don’t know about it because it’s been a long while since I’ve had to be drug tested? KIDDING. They also don’t have the lab-style collection cups. Instead, they use regular plastic drinking cups. Like the kind you use at a party when there aren’t enough wine glasses. I kid you not. Except for one random week, when they did have labeled hospital-grade collection cups. Every other time before then (and since then), it’s been punch cups. And a sharpie. I AM FASCINATED BY THIS. Now does one write their full name? First initial and last name? A note to the nurse? “Hi Gina. This is Kim S. Is this enough pee?”
So there you are, holding your party cup (except it’s not for Pam’s famous party punch with sherbet in it, it’s for pee) and trying to aim correctly so that you can at least fill it up enough for whatever important tests the nurses do with it. Now all women know that this is a difficult task to accomplish…..when you’re NOT pregnant. At my appointment yesterday I realized that as of Max’s 34th week in utero I COULD NO LONGER SEE THE CUP. My belly is too big. I can not do the “bend down and check while I’m peeing” position. So how on earth am I supposed to aim? Or know when I’ve filled it enough? This must be a cruel joke that doctors play on pregnant women. But me…I’m laughing. Laughing at the fact that there is no ledge or shelf to put the pee cup on as you’re writing your name, so you have to put it carefully on the floor, which means that it’s only a matter of time before I get up and kick one of those damn cups over. Laughing at the “Lazy Susan” contraption that you put your cup in and spin it around so that it’s on the outside of the bathroom wall. Laughing at the fact that I can no longer see the cup I’m holding when I pee, which means that the holding skirt up/holding cup/not peeing on your hand/not dropping your skirt in the toilet process is only that much harder.
OK. I’m done. Just needed to share.