Parched

File these under “weird and wacky” things that pregnancy does to your body:

1. You’re SUPER thirsty. Crawling through the desert, and only ice cold water will do. You stumble into a Starbucks and can’t fathom why anyone would want that awful coffee concoction, YOU need a Venti ice water. Exotic. Or you’re finishing your shopping trip at Target and realize that you absolutely can not make it to your car for your water bottle. You need to grab a bottle from the mini-fridge at Target and drink it ALL right there in Aisle 3. Which brings me to my next topic…

2. Peeing. For some reason, you don’t really have to go THAT bad until you STAND UP. Then suddenly everything in your belly shifts and “holy crap that’s my bladder IN PAIN get out of my way people I need to go NOW!”

3. Your belly bumps in to things. Yep, I have opened the closet door and hit my belly with the door. For the last 3 years I’ve known the distance between me and the door, but not now! Same can be said for unraveling the curling iron cord and wacking myself in the stomach. And leaning forward towards the tray under my desk that holds my mouse/keyboard, and wondering why I’m suddenly typing many hundreds of “spaces”….uh huh…it’s because my belly was resting on the space bar.

4. Enormous boobs. Enough to make one worry that perhaps they may never stop growing, and could potentially someday explode.

5. Pregnancy Brain. Ask me something before 10 am or after 4:30 pm, and I may not have a coherent answer for you. In fact, I may have no idea who you are.

6. Sharp pains in your belly and private parts for no reason what-so-ever. This has caused me to stand on the street corner doubled over and rubbing my belly while laughing at myself for looking so dumb.

7. Restaurant Issues. “I’ll have the salad please. With no onions or peppers. Add goat cheese…wait, is it pasteurized? Oh, and chicken…well done. Extra dressing. And a lemonade. Wait, is it fresh? And could you bring some bread? Like, right away? And I’ll need a refill on my ice water. Oh, my husband? He’ll have a cheeseburger. Nope, just a cheeseburger.”

8. Sleep. Lack of. Too much of. Inability to. I need a certain pillow behind my head, a special pillow between my knees, part of a pillow under my belly, and then another one when I’m propped up to watch TV. And I still wake up in the middle of the night feeling like someone is driving a stake through my hip sockets. Or flat on my back with no pillows in sight.

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